November 3rd - 10th, 2025 - Japan Arc Day 10: またね, 好きだよ / Jet Lag Week

// November 10th, 2025 //

It has been a slow, arduous journey back into my old life. I had thought it would be as easy as putting on an old jacket. I hadn’t realized however that I'd grown since I last put it on, it sits a little too snug on my frame. When I was watching “YOU” on the plane home they brought up a quote by (I believe) Thomas Wolfe; who speaks about how you can never return home. How while home may stay the same, the shops, the people, the places; it is you who has changed. I thought that was such bullshit, complete and utter platitude. I’ve been home for a week now, and it’s never rang more true. Adjusting back into my life has come at the cost of my sanity, at the cost of my sleep. I haven't been able to attend the gym the way I wanted, been able to focus on my hobbies the way I wanted, able to live. The twelve hour difference is kicking my ass, especially when my body still thinks it's in Japan and tries to fix itself by going comatose for 17 hours. I lost an entire day of my life.

Lets go back a little earlier, to the beginning of this journey and the end of the last one.

// November 3rd, 2025 - Japan Arc Day 10: またね, 好きだよ //

Im staring out the window of our hotel. This will be one of the last things in Japan I see. It is gorgeous beyond compare. The wind billows through palm trees. The water is an aquamarine that turns Egyptian blue further from shore. The only clouds in the sky are so far in the distance it’s like they’re a part of the city scape; unwavering, unmoving. The most blue, the most green, the most white.

I bought another melonpan. Regardless of whether I like them or not, (I love them) I could eat a thousand of them forever just because you said they were good. The airport was a Trek all on its own. I fell asleep on my way to Narita. It was over 200 doll hairs for the taxi. Then once we got to the airport it was a 4 hour wait. I got my last minute shopping in for gifts.

Aside —

They’re playing the “fasten your seatbelts” spiel as we’re landing. They played it in English, then French and finally Japanese; I didn’t get a lick of it. It reminded me of watching Klarence listen and speak the language back to the locals not even 24 hours ago. I’m so proud of him, so in awe of him. I have always known that he is one of the best of us, but to see it in action again, after so long? It will always be a feat I can only hope to measure up to, it will always be a source of inspiration.

AGHHHHHHH!!!! THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN EXISTENCE HAD TO CHECK MY LAPTOP, AGHHHHHH THE PORN MAG WAS IN MY LAPTOP WITH ALL MY RECIEPTS!!!! AGHHHHH, SHE MF ORGANIZED ALL MY PAPERWORK AND PLACED IT GENTLY IN MY LAPTOP AGHHHH!!!!

—- aside —-

It’s not enough to live a good life and be loved. I need to see my enemies suffer. They don’t even need to live the greatest life to ignite my rage. Just seeing them smile is enough to garner a wildfire. I can spout my feel good energy all I want. I can preach about kindness to the world, but there are days where I’d use my hands to strange the life out of people I hate.

Home at 1030, unpack until 12. I wanted to pose figs but way too sleepy.

// November 4th, 2025 //

• work

• Freya early morning

• Catch up

• Jays

• Drez Tea

• Jet lag

• Nice ahh neighbour

• Doomscroll

• Goon

• Spyfam ep 4

• Goon

• Soooo mf tired holy shit

• Wanted to pose figs, too sleepy

// November 5th, 2025 //

• up early, read texts, contribute ideas to game

• Write klarence recap

• Sink shower

• work

• gym

• letter

• walmart 4 food

• spy fam

• my hero

Not enough people ask me to hang out. I wanna see chainsaw man so badly. Chris offered to come but that implies that I plan it. I’m so tir-. I dunno, I’m not exactly so tired that I can’t plan something. It’s more of a mentality thing, I don’t want to plan it. I want to be invited to something, I want to be assumed that I’m showing up to something. Nicole asked me (and the group) to K-pop, Drez asked me to Latin night, Shabin asked me to his intervention, L asked me to Med times and his bday. But- something. Something is lacking. I- I want someone to be watch chainsaw man with me. I’m dead ass crying thinking about it. I’m about to hit a tangent.

There isn’t a cell in my body that wants to go back to 2023, I only miss the idea of it, and- I- I do miss the people. Regardless of how they treated me, regardless of where they ended up in my life, I miss the people. I miss how hyped I was for Chainsaw man, my cosplay, the people I talked to about it. The people. It’s such a special series in my heart, and I didn’t get to see it with the people I shared it with. It’s- FUCK! It’s a piece of art I have attached to my heart and the people I shared it with are gone. I HAVE TEARS STREAMING FROM MY EYES. My sadness must have been foreshadowed by the rain. Dennis mocked up my chainsaw man tattoo. What are we doing? What do you mean he isn’t in my life. What do you mean I see him and my heart breaks? What do you mean the girl I was crushing on at that time is gone. I stayed up late to play with her, her friends. We’d talk for hours, say our good mornings and good nights. My tangent is over. I just wanted to vent, I don’t need to be checked up on. I just needed to scream into the void. Please someone ask me to chainsaw man. And please never leave.

// November 6th, 2025 //

The clock strikes 12 midnight arrives, and then 4 and a half hours later I wake up in excruciating pain from the worst cramp I've ever had in my life. In terms of physical pain, that was up there with Hand foot mouth. It was like I was taking backshots from the devil the way I was grasping at the bed sheets.

I woke up and it still hurt, the pain had eased a bit but it was still there. A ghost of its former self. When I got home from work I had a big nap. The jetlag has been poison to me. My energy is non existant and nothing feels the same. Awaking from my big nap I finally got to pose my figures around. The Narutos got to stretch their plastic limbs, and the Hayakawas are all ready for battle. I put two episodes of MyHero into my memory bank before I was hit by a wave of sadness.

I rehashed the same issue as yesterday. I want to be invited to the things that I love, I want to be assumed that Im coming to things, I dont want to plan everything I want to show up to. Then I wasnt able to find that old Reze x Denji / Bomb x Chainsaw Man wallpaper. I had to breakout my laptop just to grab the files.

I had a moment of looking back on my old character designs. I really cooked something at nineteen. I should revist that little world of mine before a decade passes without any progress. I actually realized that Plethora should wear a labcoat. I had a moment of self hatred, thinking that I had made her a little too gooner bait-ish with the corset. I was then reminded however that she can only grow limbs from skin, so she needs her upper back exposed for easy acess to her powers. Though a labcoat is still goodshit.

// November 7th, 2025 - Happy Birthday Jen! //

I’ve actually come across the opposite problem this morning. Where I usually complain about those who don’t know how to use a roundabout, today I encountered someone who knows entirely well how to use it. Instead they used their abilities to body block me from passing them. They, already in the lead, moved to the right lane and then proceeded to keep the same speed as the person that was behind them, now in the left lane. Objectively preventing me from overtaking either of them. Worse yet, the person behind me near refused to let me into the lane almost forcing me off the road. I cut him off like my life depended on it (it did).

I had a really good session, it consisted of finishing our Zulfir fight after leaving him on hiatus for three weeks; and then we had a nice roleplay / exploration session for an hour and a half.

// November 8th, 2025 - I will never romanticize coma's again //

I used to love the idea of dying for a month, of falling asleep and waking up to all my friends and family surrounding me, of skipping the worst part of my life. I was, at the time, in one of the greatest depressions I've ever had to endure. I could never wish that upon me anymore. Sleeping for seventeen hours left me with rage. I lost an entire day of my life, every hour on this Earth is precious. I hate sleeping so much, I detest it, I hate it, I hate it. I have laundry that needs to get done, I wanted to see Raj, and Ry, and Martin. I was so looking forward to the weekend and instead I only got one day.

It was three in the morning when I fell asleep, it was 8 in the evening when I awoke. I had the club in two hours. I shaved, showered and headed out the door. I picked up my pregame from Walmart, a case of four Smirnoff Ice's. It was more sugar than poison, I preferred it this way. I don't want to taste my own death. Let it be a surprise. I also bought a pizza, I hadnt eaten in seventeen hours, you'd think I'd be ravenous but I wasn't all that starved. I just thought eating was the right thing to do.

I drove to Foch, NOT downing Smirnoffs on my way there. I finished three bottles by the time I reached the club. FUCK it was a cold night and of course I didnt think to wear my jacket. Foolishness. I was making the exact same mistake I had just made not even a week ago. I was freezing my ahh off all the way onto the dance floor. While I'm happy we went to a different place, I cannot say that I liked it. I popped my pussy all night and this bih ahh redhead beside the DJ booth sat on her phone the whole time. She only got up to dance two songs. GIRL MOVE, RAGHHHHHH!!!!! She was gorgeous, pretty privilege did not save her from my incelish rage.

The first DJ had a nice lil set and then the second DJ was absolute ass. How do you have an empty moshpit for thirty minutes??? Brother. I let Marena and Drez have their thing. He dropped her off at the Go Station, we picked up Dave. The club was over. We ate at a hole in the wall called Rudys and then called it a night. The sky had begun to nuhh all over us.

I got home around 4/5 in the morning and the snow was still coming down.

// November 9th, 2025 //

I spent most of the morning playing 5 hearts under one roof, a fun little live action korean dating sim. I beat the game following a guide and then cleared it again with my first choice, the childhood bestfriend.

Later in the day I'd come to watch MyHero and SpyxFam. I doomscrolled for an hour somewhere in there. It was around eleven. I was wiped, not an ounce of energy flowed through me. I still had places to be, I needed to be put down for a nap. I finally knocked out around 130, I was only down for an hour before I made my way to Foch to pick up Tito Arni and Nic. We were supposed to go bowling after the movie, Tito brought his ball.

Had I mentioned that the sky decided to colonize? White came from above and assimilated with the entire landscape. Driving was not something to be excited for, my car was weeping in the cold. We made it to the theatre with ten minutes to spare. I had tito Arni grab me popcorn and then we sat.

Pain and suffering. My favourite anime... It was beautiful. The new artstyle is worn well on these characters. The muted tones of the first season were gone, colour everywhere I looked. It was just as I imagined. Seeing Denji fall for his first love, trying so desperately to keep it even after everything Reze did to him. I liked the build up, I thought it couldve gone a little longer, a little more depth but it was faithful to the book. Then the switch.. I... I actually didn't love this part. I think I read it differenly in the book but it was far less romantic than I remembered. Denji hesitated to run away with Reze, and homegirl completely switched up into her mission mode. It was a beautiful scene though. I just rememer Dennis (Denji) falling for Reze completely and she switched into her mission unprompted. I guess the version on the screen fits the story so much better than my memory. It was just more romantic in my brain.

The fights were action packed, Reze was a force on screen. The idea that chainsaw ever had a chance against bomb is laughable but so enjoyable to watch. There were times where it was just shapes and colours, but for the most part it was easy to comprehend what was happening. Aki Angel was something I also romanticized in my head more than in the movie. I still wept, but I wasn't sure if I was crying because I knew the scene was emotionally charged or because the movie did its job and pulled it out of me.

Again, I only have good things to say about the fight. Holy shit I forgot how much Beam gets his shit pushed in, in this. Also, Bomb??? UGH!!! What a threat, it felt like she was toying with them sometimes. Like you see her launch Denji across Tokyo, and I'm supposed to believe he stood a chance. OH! Aki vs Bomb was so good!!! Bomb vs Violence was funny and seeing Kobeni was cute. It is bewildering that she sticks still around after this a while longer before she leaves. She was BEGGING Bomb to spare her.

Ugh! The scene on the beach had me ready to cry, I could feel something in my stomach sink. A pit of sadness beginning to grow. Watching Reze reject Denji and he was still so ready to run away. GOD!! I KNEW!!! I KNEW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!!! I WAS IN FULL TEARS WHILE SHE RAN!!! SHE WAS RIGHT THERE!!! DENJI TURN AROUND!!! AGHHHHHH!!! MY EYES WEPT, MY SEAT SHOOK, MY ENTIRE BODY CONVULSED WITH PAIN AND AGONY AND SADNESS!!!! IT WAS DOOMED FROM THE JUMP, MAKIMA ALWAYS KNEW, THEY WOULD HAVE NEVER HAD THE CHANCE. AGHHHH!!!! AS I WRITE THIS I WEEP!!!! IT IS SUCH A GOATED FUCKING ARC!!!!

We were supposed to go bowling. The universe said "no." The alley was closed so we went for Pho instead. After food we ended up at Ninangs place. We created a game out of doomscrolling, we look at the blend and guess who the videos are for. I had thrown a grenade into the groupchat insulting Dennis. He didnt blow up or ignore me, his response was playful, I played along. We stayed in Pickering well into the early hours of the morning. Georgia was helping Nico with his homework so Andie and I just doomscrolled.

You should have seen Ronic after the movie, he had a thousand yard stare the entire rest of the night. He kept thinking about how Denji will never know Reze went back for him. Oh! Also Andie was funny. We talked about dressing up but that fell apart save for Ronic who looked like a part time devil hunter. Andie also said she was cosplaying. When we asked her as whom she responded "Anime!" her words, I believe verbatem, were "I'm cosplaying as anime! :3" And then she threw up both hands to do the Korean hearts. Nico and I stared at each other flabbergasted.

// November 10th, 2025 //

I find it incredibly apropos how the weather is changing while I’m walking this crossroads. At the beginning of this weekend I had thought I would “happy birthday” myself back into my exes life. Holy air ball. I texted a different ex entirely.

That was last night, now I wake in the morning confused. I need to consult my closest council to discuss. Where I last left it, I had made eternal peace with wishing him all the love and happiness in the world, but never wanting to see him again. Has that changed? I don’t know. One glimpse of the old life doesn’t just magically make everything between it disappear. I will monitor this situation and adjust accordingly.

The day was fine, I am a competent cook at times. I am tired. I feel like Allmight using the last of One for All tryna battle AFO. My light has been extinguished, my only warmth comes from the last vesitges of embers still clinging to life. My energy for the past 3 hours has been spent recalling my week. Trying to write down my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences. I've had enough. I no longer wish to think. It's 7pm. I will doomscroll for a short time before knocking out and resetting my sleep schedule once more. If I do not speak to you before tomorrow, goodnight, goodnight, goodnight! You are loved, you are loved, you are loved.

• Dyl