November 15th & 16th, 2025 - What. The. Fuck. / Dylspatch

// November 15th, 2025 // What. The. Fuck.

I’ve been crying a lot recently. Since July. Thankfully it isn’t any nefarious means that have me weeping rivers or bawling my eyes out, thankfully it’s good art. Real heavy hitting pieces that make me feel. They make me feel happy, sad, full of rage, full of joy. I’m inspired, im depressed, I’m hollow. I. feel. For so long I’ve wished for this, for so long I have waited and waited for life to return to what it once was. To be alive again.

Superman, My Dress Up Darling, Chainsaw Man, My Hero. I have eaten well these past months. Every shade of emotion I have been blessed to feel. Mostly happiness, a little sadness. All of these pieces of media have brought what I think is the best out of me. They’ve allowed me to feel again.

That damn Sir Chloe Song might as well be tattoo’d into my brain. Its melody might as well be my heartbeat. But I am so glad that I don’t need it anymore, at least not right now. I do feel again. What’s more, besides all of the good art, fuck you! My life is fixed!

--- (Written on Nov. 16th, 2025) ---

Too hastily spoken indeed.

I knew the time would come, I knew I'd have to face it, I even knew he was invited. But far too quickly did it all happen. I have to talk to RyLiu, because I wasn't consulted at all. He had said that he was invited but I didn't actually think- I suppose the onus falls to me. But... It is still something I should bring up to someone so close. I guess he heard that Dennis is cool with me and just assumed? Because the last thing I spoke on the matter was I never wanna see him again but... Who gives a fuck what I have to say, right?

So, yes, I saw Dennis yesterday. Martin picked me up for noon and we went around scooping RyLiu and Matthew L, then Ryan said it. "We have to pick up Matthew first because Dennis jsut woke up." Hm. My heart is running, put that shit in the olympics and I'd take home gold. I have no idea what to expect, no clue as to what the next few hours hold. The entire ride to his house is electric, I make my jokes, Matthew and I make eye contact for a second and I think he see's it. We park in Dennis' driveway and I know L see's it. Im trying to drink water and my hands are shaking, I think he's the only one to see it. Martin and Ryan seem entirely tone deaf to the situation. I'm in the front, the two biggest boys in the back, we put Ryan in the far back so Dennis can sit in the middle with Matthew. Meaning he'd be directly behind me.

He got in, said hello to the car, and we starterd driving. I mostly kept to Martin in the front, I figured the way the day would work was that we would both be around but keep to ourselves- The boy asks me a question, he says my name, pulls me into the conversation. What kind of olive branch? I freeze, my brain is confused, I deadass turn to the back, point at my chest and go "me?" Like you know who I am? The last two times I saw this man he pretended like I didn't exist, like we havent wept, laughed or raged together, like nine years of friendship didn't exist. Now we're just pretending like 2 years of hardship, of turmoil, of healing didn't happen? What. The. Fuck. I play my part, I fill my roleout like I was born to play it. Put today's performance in whatever the movie awards are and I'd take them all home. I can play friendly, don't expect friends.

We get to Gotham Central. We were just waiting for Drez to pull up and as we got out of the car he was basically parked. I stepped out of the car, we made eye contact, Dennis stepped out of the car and Drez almost had to put his jaw back in his mouth. Gotham was a bit of a dud. I couldn't find anything I was interested in, their Nightwing back issues were lacklustre and I wasn't in the mood to drop stupid money on figures. The rest of the crew picked up Magic and Pokemon. I was playing nice, like, this should guarentee my spot in heaven kind of kindness. I pretended like the last two years of my life weren't spent hating myself for not being enough, questioning what was wrong with me, wasn't filled with suicial thoughts and self hatred. I laughed, I joked, I jested, it wasn't exactly difficult; these are people I've spent over a decade of my life with, storied history or not, I have rapport. Good rapport, even.

We headed to Untouchables, Dennis and I both agreed that Drez should pick up singles if he really wants to complete his region collection. I was wrong. Pokemon doesn't work the same way MTG does. Magic will keep commons from seventy three years ago, Pokemon doesnt even have pulls from this morning. My idea fell apart. While at the mall we found a liquidation shop, it was almost akin to Krazy Bins. While shopping Drez found time to ask how I was doing. A wave of relief washed over me, the first time since Matthew and I made little eye contact in the morning, I was seen. I told Drez what I was felling, just confused and weird. I felt I was seeing a ghost, and that it was insane that I wasn't consulted. We were hungry now, I could eat anywhere and my idea for food was just desert. We went to Wonton Express, I've played these games before (We'd been there before). In another life, Dennis, Ryan, either Jack, Martin or Dave and I. Oh! I suppose it worth to note that now we had two cars, Dennis and I never sat in the same one for the rest of the day.

When we were at the restaurant... I cant wrap my head around my disbelief. I have to live through my and only my eyes. What the hell did it look like to our friends? I can only imagine seeing two of your friends have the greatest fallout you've ever seen. You see one on a weekly / monthly basis but you talk near everyday. The other dissapears for months at a time. Trying to reach out to him ends only in silence. When speaking to one, he calls the other a pedophile, he says the worst about the other. Talking to the other he speaks about how he misses his friend, his friends. He wants everything to be what it was. You're invited to a weekend get away. The other even invites your friend, he wont come. The other let's it all go, every last thing, he wishes his friend the best but never wants to see him again. Now? they're sit at opposite ends of the dining table. One of them seems to be avoiding eye contact but othewise they're friendly. You haven't seen the two of them in the same room for over a year. And now they dine together, laugh at each others jokes. It must be surreal, like a dream.

What was I-? Oh! we cracked packs of MTG / Pokemon and ate. Food was really good. We left.

I was with Drez, and L, it was easy to vent to them. I regurgitated the same thing I had said to Drez a bit earlier. It felt tonedeaf to not ask if I was okay with Dennis being around. I think Ry got the greenlight from Dennis that he was ready to see me again and just assumed that I'd be fine. I'm going to take it as a compliment, to think that I'm strong enough to not care. It felt asinine or insane that everyone had an unspoken rule, "pretend like nothing happened." What. The. Fuck. Matthew L and Drizzy were both in touch with what I was saying. They both knew it was crazy. I told them my truth, I'll play friendly, not friends.

We made it to the desert place and the group split. Dennis had L and Martin while I had Drizzy and RyLiu. I took them to the Cups place where they had bingsu. Drez and I shared an oreo one and Ryan had a mango one. I thought it was hilarious that Ryan had a yellow one, Drez and I had a black and white one, but then ours had a panda shaped Ice cream on it so that was my yellow. Drez rolled his eyes, I laughed. We roamed China Centre. I think Ry picked up duck, I grabbed some snacks from the grocer. We checked out Panda Hobby because it was so close. Drizzy picked up a Blaziken model kit. I joked about the boy's spending considering how much he was beating himself up at work.

We headed to Square, L had said we could go there considering how much time we had before the game, no one heard him. Drez said it and everyone agreed. I was DYING, laughing at Matthew, he chuckled. In truth, I barely remember Square, we didn't hit any of my haunts so it wasn't a fruitful venture for me. No Urban Planet, Sunrise Records, Hot Topic, Uniqlo, Urban Outfitters. I picked up mcdonalds Ice cream and they cheated me. The thing was half filled. I think the only good part of the mall experience was the baddies. Everywhere I looked was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Drez and Matthew caught me more than once, Martin and I joked.

Drizzy wanted to go to Kanzen Games, they closed in an hour so we had to dip out of the mall a shame. We made it to Kanzen and Drez grabbed another pokemon pack. They had the Naruto Labubu's but only Sakura or Hinata. Square had the JJK ones but I hate mystery boxed, blind bags, Gachas. If I didn't get Gojo or Geto I'd bomb the place. Martin, Ryan and Dennis went to his house to chill before the game. Matthew did the same, he asked to get dropped off for an hour so he could gather his things. It was just me and Drez, Ryan called every 5/10 minutes asking if we were on our way. Drez asked if I wanted to go into the lions den for an hour. I found any way to stall for time. Drez was hungry, I convinced him we should grab anything he might want from No Frills. We spent 30 or so minutes in the grocer just walking back and forth, "oh let me grab some fruit." It was on the other side of the store, let me grab granola, on the other side of the store. It was 8:40, I'd only need to spend 20 minutes in the lions den, more manageable by far.

Do you know the feeling of moving out and then coming home years later and seeing how things have changed, how they've stayed the same? Seeing the memories of the past play out in real time in the same place only to watch them fade? This felt the closest I've ever come to experiencing that. Drez and I only spent 10 minutes there before we had to pick up L and Kenneth. I looked at the living room. This was the same place I had spent 2 Halloweens, countless evenings, the place I had felt loved, the place I found out My Chemical Romance ended their hiatus. How strange to see it was the same, to see that it was completely changed. There was a stranger staring at me when I entered the home, a big white dog, a new addition to their family though I had no idea how new, I wasn't privy to information these days.

It was time to get out, I left the house of memories and we scooped L, he wanted to know about it, we picked up Kenneth, he wanted to know about it. There was a time I didn't fuck with Kenneths shit disturber energy, these days I live for it. The car was cackling with Kenneth in the car asking questions about the day. AND! As someone who was also excommed, Kenneth knew exactly what I might've been feeling. It was a good talk, cathartic, some of the best all day. We all even agreed on our broken heiarchy about how if one person doesn't fuck with you, you're done. No one wants to risk sullying their own hands with your own and so they wash you off. That is insane.

We passed by Drez's place then went to the ballgame. On our way in, a guy had said "hey" to me and got up to talk but I didn't recognize him so I didnt realize he was trying to talk to me.

FUUUUHHHHH!!!!! The game was so close! 36 - 38. Apparently this had been their best game of the season so far. It was amazing, I've never seen a basketball game before, I don't really know all the intricate rules. There would be times I wouldn't know what was hapenning. Where I was usually indifferent to sports, I shouted with my entire being when any of my friends scored. Shit was electric. We wasted like an hour after the game standing and talking, they had to kick us off the court because another game was playing soon. We still wasted time trying to decide where to eat. It came down to Denny's at Courtney. This felt like a reunion tour. We were hitting every nostalgia spot possible.

I had no more energy, I might as well have been dead to he world at this point. I had just used up my battery for 12 hours, I had nothing to give. Dennis and I sat at different tables, my table was low energy, Martin, Ryan and I sat together but didnt really speak. Drez was in his own world with Tinder, RyCo and Justin kept to themselves, Wuggy and Matthew were in front of me but I had nothing to say, too tired.

Raj dropped me home, I felt bad, I fell asleep in his car.

So... That was my Saturday. TLDR: I don't think I was ready to see Dennis again, while I agree it went well, that doesn't mean I wanted it to happen. I think it was tonedeaf to not consult me about it. I think it is insane that we can all just pretend that everything is fine like nothing happened. Like all of these people didnt see me just two months ago weep and cry and profess my sorrow at how I wish him the best but never want to see him again. I think I played my part well. I am a ball of mixed emotions. I am however glad to know that there are people who know and understand what is happening. That agree with the idea that we have a broken system, even if we do nothing about it. It was nice to see my friends.

// Addendum //

I forgot to mention this, this happened directly after being picked up. Dennis had begun to speak to me and I ahd brought up that I haven't been to any of the boys basketball games because I didn't want to disturb the peace if Dennis was there. He. Whooooooo. HE DEADASS GOES "Nah, it's fine, we're cool now." WHO DECIDED THAT??? WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT??? GIRL, HUUUUUUHHHHH????

// November 16th, 2025 // Dylspatch

I spent the entire day playing Dispatch. It is- it's really good. Five (technically 8) hours with these characters and I'm in love. I watched RinneGoddess play and I was so sure that Blonde Blazer was the baddie for me. Invisigal's introduction had me wondering how anyone could ever fall for her. HA! Ahem-

I tried to be nice to her from the jump but the game's first episode forces the two of you to not get along. It forces an antagonistic to friends / lovers trope on you. As I played, I grew very attached to these lil guys on my screen. Hearing them bitch and banter. As for Blazer, you would think they'd give one of the love interest more screentime but alas. Invisigal just- she feels so natural while playing. I fell hard for Blazer when she's introduced but you spend so much more time with Invisigal, it came so- so natural! I dont have another word for it, it felt like she's the option you're supposed to go for, like she's the cannon choice. I had to replay an entire episode. They force you to choose a character to leave your roster, I hate this btw but not like I can do anything about it. They gave me the choice and I put my controller down, I had thought there could be some miracle, like if I didn't pick left or right I would go straight. Hardly. As the timer counted down I was so secure in my choice of not choosing; When the timer ran out, it had chosen for me. Of course it would choose my favourite character to get rid of. I coped. I went into the next episode thinking it would be okay. My second favourite character had it out for me. I had made a mistake. I couldn't play the rest of the game like this. It had extended it's hand to me, but when I spat in it's face it used it's hand with force. I played throught the episode again, I would not make the same mistake.

I stopped 3 episodes short of the ending, I really wanna play more but I dont want it to end. I'll see my tiny little friends tomorrow. For tonight, sleep calls. Goodnight!

You are loved, your feelings are valid. Life always gets better. I'm glad you're alive. Goodnight!

• Love Dyl