May 9th, 2025 - Cut your hair, lonely

I failed to get into a creative writing course when I was 17. My partner at the time had placed heavy pressure on me to get into a post secondary school and so when Sheridan College's Investigations course let me in I jumped at the oppurtunity. What I mean to say is that my experience with crafting stories is stunted, I am always striving to learn more, and I think I do a half decent job, but there are certainly times where I faulter. I run a Dungeons and Dragons game for my family, I write and weave stories and plot threads into a beautiful tapestry that all of us can enjoy week to week. I don't think I succeeded today, that isn't to put myself down or anything of the sort, it is just a reminder that I am human, I am flawed and that I cannot put too much pressure on myself for perfection when I wasn't trained on how to achieve that. Next week will be better, I was tired and ill prepared that's all it was. It isn't fair of me to feel I wasted their time, I am one person doing my best. Anyway, I made a Tequila Sunrise at work today, my coworkers liked it. I did not; I've never had Grenadine before, I don't think I like the taste. The Mexican candy shots I made however? Phenomenal. Work was good, I feel bad when I am asked to do work outside of the kitchen because it feels like I'm not working, as if though I have thrown caution to the wind and left my coworkers with reckless abandon. They assured me otherwise however and again this is a lesson in trying to subside my own guilt. Guilt, might I add, that is entirely voluntary. No one has ever said anything to make me feel this way, only my own voice. The mirror laughs at me whenever I see my reflection. Speaking about reflections, I gazed at myself today. I looked in the mirror and I took a pair of scissors and a razor to my scalp until I was unrecognizable. I literally just cut my hair and shaved my face. After a brief shower I watched Brooklyn 99 and waited for my family to be ready to play. I've been thinking about it recently, the male lonliness epidemic. I fear myself a victim. A grevious wound that bleeds, but who is to blame? When doing research on the topic however I found myself agreeing that it is slightly self inflicted. I lost my best friend when I was 23, 2024 was one of the hardest of my life. He and I began to drift apart, we spent too much time together and were getting on the others nerves. I blamed him for things not within his control, at times it felt like he hated me for breathing and eventually like atoms with the same negative charge we retreated from one another. All over a miscommunication. I lost my best friend of nine years because we couldn't talk to each other properly. Regardless, after our split I took some time from the group, even in our abscence we threw rocks at the other. It wasn't until I removed him from a group with all of our friends that tilted fate in his favour. He took his exilement with stride and reformed a new group without me. His charisma could convince God they were wrong, I however cannot speak to cashiers without a 5 minute prep talk. With the coming weeks I grew farther and farther from my friends, I felt betrayed, I thought they had chosen sides, but really it was my own inneptitude keeping them from me. I retreated, I stayed away for a year and in that time I wish I could say I came out stronger, instead I think I lost a part of myself. I spent a year alone with my horrid thoughts, the very same that speaks to me now, the one that tells me I am undeserrving of love, the guilt that eats away at my soul. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day. We are well into this new year, and I have learned nothing. I know my flaws, I am self aware, I have even forgiven my best friend. But I know he hasn't done the same. I miss him so much, I don't think I will ever have as much fun as I did when I was 23. I am alone, at least that's how it feels. I know I'm not, I have people who love me, willing to help. But I don't know how. Even when they text I don't know how to respond. It feels like a bomb goes off with every ringtone, a cut with every text. Ugh! I wish this was easy, if I was born with even a shred of self confidence I think I could rule the world. There isn't a single problem that couldn't be solved with charisma, a stat I unfortunately do not have. Sorry to end this on a bummer, but thank you for reading! Tomorrow will be a good day. Tonight will be a goodnight. I love you, stay safe. - Dyl