May 30th, 2025 - To hell with you

Fare thee well, and may we meet again.

Today was Mark's last day. I feel it again, that guilt powerful enough to kill a man. Mayhaps I should have done more for him. In truth I was letting him do a lot of the work recently because I knew he was leaving. But maybe today I should've taken initiative. I mostly stuck to what I usually do on Fridays. I take care of cleaning out the fridge, a couple of other small house keeping things, but today I spent making pineapple juice, which no one really drank. :/

Ces't La Vie, I will always make it up to him.

 Getting home I wrote an absolute banger of a D&D recap. We had missed last week's session because I was at Chloe's so I had to dig deep into my memory and find every detail I could. Have you ever seen that GIF of the guy with an ink and quill writing on a scroll as it's on fire? Dat me. After writing peak fiction I took a nap, I woke up groggy and just in time for D&D. I read out the recap, and we had a really good session. I live for days like these.

 My lola was home, she had gotten picked up while I was playing so I made sure to say hello. My friend and I were texting and unprompted he told me to get ready. We were out the door in 15 minutes. It was good, I cannot fully explain how much I love my friends, how much I miss them. To hang out with Rajvir healed a part of my soul. Though he told me some distressing news about our old mutual. It was fine, there's no money in forgiving. HE ALSO TOLD ME THAT HE GOES TO MY MEXICAN SPOT AFTER HIS GYM. Like, he's there constantly which upset me (not really) because I showed it to him so we could go together, but he's always there. Though he explained it's only to pick up a quick meal and then dip.

 We spent the early morning driving to our friends' houses, we took pictures of their places and sent them to them. It was fun, but I already know I will never see those pics. Afterwards, we just walked around the neighbourhood, then we went to Subway and ate. a mistake I fear. Then we just talked well into the early morning. We need to create, I think it'll kill us if we don't. We decided to challenge each other and send monthly scripts, screenplays, short stories, anything. He told me about the hangouts I had missed. It struck a chord. I wish I went, I wish I invited people to more things, and I found that the day I wanted to plan something was already taken by an event I know I'm not allowed to.

 Fuck, having an enemy in the friend group really truly hurts. Especially when it's the person that knew you the best. Especially when things you thought were said in confidence are given out for free---

Fuck you, I would never, never, NEVER give that shit out for free, not on purpose. The things you told me to keep shut I did. I understand humans are multifaceted but I fear you're just an idiot. How do you tell someone that there should be no secrets between friends and then be the same person getting mad when I speak about things you said. You had never told me to keep my mouth shut, and then you stopped telling me things all together. I KEPT YOUR POISON IN MY MOUTH, I LET IT BURN AND FESTER UNTIL I HAD NO TONGUE LEFT TO SPEAK. AND NOW I HEAR YOU GIVE MY FEELINGS OUT FOR FREE, AM I NOT EVEN WORTH THE COIN? TO HELL WITH YOU, A THOUSAND TIMES, A THOUSAND TIMES MORE. I held my rage for you for so long, I found love in my heart for you and I put it back on its pedestal and now I look at it, and it's wrong. Were we ever really friends? With everyday that passes I am more and more unsure. I wish you'd come back, but I also wish you'd die so you would never have the chance to kill me again. To hell with you, a thousand times, a thousand times more. And I would still follow, I would have still tried to save you. In every universe, we're Batman and Joker in City, we're Geto and Gojo in Hidden Inventory and Zero, we were always going to fail. I love you, but I hope you die.

 I do love life, it's just a little boring right now. I hope beyond hope I have the strength to change it.

- Dyl