May 24th, 2025 - There is no money in Forgiving

Do you have a passion for life? I felt it today. I wish it was derived from love and happiness but I found it in rage. A fire in my heart that only burned out of spite. I drove, high speeds, windows down, music blasting. I felt alive again. I was so tempted to have today's song be "Feel Again" but I felt it. Alive. Like the first kiss between a new partner, being questioned by 12 or getting into a fight with a loved one. And Sir Chloe dropped a mf banger yesterday, I only found it today but I am in love. It is the perfect screaming in the car song. I think this happened before my blog, but I had a horrible day. I was hit with a $700 speeding ticket and I had accidentaly dropped $200 on a gym membership I didn't want. I felt such a gutteral sorrow that day. I love it. It was an awful feeling, I questioned why I was even fighting to survive. But I loved it. I could feel my heart. Anyway, all that to say that I'm on fire right now. The morning was fine, where I was supposed to spend it reading, I instead cleaned my room changed my sheets and repaired a broken pillow. The early and mid afternoon I watched Brooklyn 99 and played Cyberpunk and then it was time to see my cousin. Each of my mother's words were a dagger in my heart. I refused to be stabbed any longer so I plunged my phone deep into my pocket, as deep as it could go. But my pants were shallow, no ammount of space could drown her out. I could hear her in my head as I purchased items for my Lola. I got into the car and raced home, she called again. She was already on her way to the venue, I switched my route and caught up to her. Sometimes I feel like one of the only things she gave me was a lead foot. We raced on the highway and she called me again, it interupted my GPS and we mixed our exit. Our 15 minute drive would now be 30. She hissed at me and I hung up the phone. I drowned the silence with music and wind. The ride was too long. It took more than a minute to shake off the evil aura that had made it's way into me. My mother was all smiles even when just moment's ago I was useless. I would've preffered being beat. Physical pain has never mattered to me. I would take being beat an inch away from death any day over any insult. Pain means nothing, but those words sear themselves behind my eyelids. Being with my cousins was nice. We ate our JBBQ and then it was time to go, to drop my cousin off at the airport. She had forgotten one of her things so I made more than one trip. I brought her, her missing bag and then she was gone. I took my other cousin home, dropped off the things for my Lola and then I was on the road. Free and alone, Alive. It's early in the night. I should email that stupid f%^&ing police officer. I'm gonna play Cyberpunk and watch Brooklyn 99. Goodnight! - Dyl