May 15th, 2025 - I am the Dog / Dylpression real bad

The sky was a lighter shade of grey with blotches of blue scattered throughout. The sun was but a memory behind the haze and I slept for an entra 10 minutes before dragging myself out of bed. The work day passed slowly and I grew tired half way through. I served away my coworkers meal and the guilt dragged my eyelids down into a partial slumber. When I got home I stayed in the car for an hour. My brain still barely functioning. The Sun was now in full effect and it beamed it's rays though my cracked windshield. The heat trapped itself in my car with me inside. It danced around me and for the first time in a long time I was drenched in sweat. I hadn't even realized the phenomena until it began to seap into my eyes. I walked into the house and rushed into the shower. I let the water run over me and gave myself a shave. Two actions of self care in one day, a new record. I have been scrolling away this Thursday, a damn shame. I wanted to walk today. --- 3 Hours Later --- I wish I could write happy thoughts. I drove myself to Erin Mills because I had errands to run and I figured all of the stores were spaced out enough for me to get a good walk in. I parked as far as possible and headed towards the mall. Before I reached the mall I found myself at a crossroads. A nice grassy knoll presented itself to me. Low hanging trees and high rising shrubs made the unofficial pathway something fun to traverse. My dorment sense of adventure just peeking out, but then I saw that there was an actual path. Cement paved with metal railings. I opted for the more modern approach, I forbade myself fun because I didn't want to ruin the grass if I didn't have to. I wish I walked on it. Outside the mall I could see my reflection in the windows. What the hell was I wearing? I got these nice black white and blue shoes for Christmas from my Tita. I love those shoes I "styled" them with a pair of these white and blue pants I never get to use because I don't know what to wear with them, it accompanied a plain white T-shirt and a black white and blue motocross jacket. The fit was horrendous. I wish I could've burned myself alive then and there, anything would be better than spending another second in my clothes. I was self concious in the mall. Deep down I knew no one really gave a shit but I imagined teenagers laughing at me, Lola's cackling amongst themselves. I saw pretty women with cool outfits and I was at war with myself. How could I send myself out like this? I bought ube crinkle cookies at the purple bakeshop and a couple of ube flan desserts. I made my way into Marshalls and perused the racks for a saviour, a replacement to my fit. I found these nice white beach pants and a patterned white top. I bought them both and ripped my jacket off. Without the overbearing black of the jacket the clothes came together more. My shoes were out of place but I put it out of my mind. I was supposed to drop my bag off at the car and walk back to Indigo but I was running out of time. I love to walk around Indigo, and I only had an hour left. I was there until closing, I almost picked up two books but my bank account has been angry as of late, I put one of the books back and only bought "Nobody Asked For This" by Georgia Teows. I hadn't recognized the name until I saw I've read her first book. "Hey, Good Luck Out There" Is an at times witty but disgustingly unfiltered look at a girl trying to make it in life after battling drug addiction. I wish I could say I loved the book but in actuallity I found the lack of chapter difficult to digest. I like stopping points, and the book never truly had me. I think I wil reread it soon and give it fair chance. Anyway, I left the store with a book and a butterfly plushie. I went back to my car, on the way I saw a grey version of it. I see a lot of K5's in the wild now. I get mad at that because my windshield is broken and there's aren't. I got to my car, unloaded my bag and drove back to Walmart, no more walking. At walmart I kind of meandered around aimless and lost. I finally picked up my grooming supplies and cashed out. I saw so many beautiful women. I would go to war for these women, they were so pretty. I had to leave as quick as possible. I'm scared around women and I was surrounded by Goddess'. I climbed into the driver's seat and looked at my reflection in the pull down mirror. I- I'm crying. I changed. I think I've aged. I look in the mirror and I do not see me. I don't mean this metaphorically, or metaphysically, or hyperbolically. I do not recognize the person in the mirror. I know what I look like and that is not me. I- help! I want to claw my way out. Please God let me kill him. Who is in my body? Who took my body? Please let me out please. Please, please, I want to see the sun again, it is so cold and dark and lonely here please let me out. I promise to be good, please God, please, please help me. Help. HELP! HELP ME PLEASE! HELP! W H Y I S N O O N E L I S T E N I N G T O M E ! HELP PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME! Ryan, Martin, Rajvir, Drez, L, I am so sorry, I'm so sorry I wish I could call, text, but I don't know how anymore. It used to be so easy to talk to you, BUT I DONT KNOW WHO I AM NOW, ARE WE STILL FRIENDS? HE- And it's over. As quickly as the storm comes, quicker can it calm. Life used to be really fun, now I just exist; And I don't even think I do that. Somebody please save me, Heaven knows I won't do it myself. I don't think I'm a good person. I don't think I'm kind. I know I do kind things, but that is not out of a selfless heart. I am bitter to the core and everything I do is to subside the guilt I bear from being a terrible person. I am rotten, evil and awful. I have a desire to be loved and liked and I have carved out so many parts of me people don't like to achieve their approval. Those were the parts I liked the most I think. I have never gotten them back. Hey! Damn, what a bummer. Womp womp amirite??? F it, we ball. It is what it is and other shitty platitudes. I hope your sunsets were as beautiful as mine and I hope you win the lottery. I hope everything goes your way. You deserve so much more than the world. I gave my mother that plushie, it was a blue butterfly and it looked like her. She loved it. - Dyl