May 13th, 2025 - Dylpressive

I feel like I traded in my life and got nothing for it, am I worth so little?

Work ran long but I love my coworkers so it’s fine. I think I should be somebody’s dog because my ass is not getting enough walking done. Everyday I have a new excuse to not live. Today’s is that it’s raining.

I’ve been wanting a relationship recently. I went on a date with a girl a year ago but that was never really anything. I was talking to a girl before that but it was just talking, and I let those flowers die when I should’ve watered them. Prior to that I haven’t really done anything with anyone since 2019. I’m pretty lonely. :/

I don’t think that’s why I should have a partner, but I think it would motivate me to live more, heaven knows I can’t do it for myself. And despite how much I want to make my cousin, my mom and my grandma happy, my happiness just isn’t plausible on my own. I think that’s all they want for me, is for me to enjoy life, to be happy. I don’t really know how to do that though. I wish there were instructions and yet I feel I might still mess it up. I’m crying while writing this, I think I’m being hit with seasonal depression. I bet if it was sunny I wouldn’t be crying.


I love my sister, she's so funny. I told you how I damaged my car, well when I was whining about that to my family; my sister hit me with such a burst of imagination. She had told me that it's okay to have those damages because I got those fighting crime. My car was the batmobile and every thing that happened to it was for the betterment of Gotham. My cracked windshield was a battle won against the joker. I embelished a little bit of that, but it really made me not mind the scars. Though I still want to get my car fixed.

I wish I could have her confidence, her “I don’t give a shit” attitude. I used to live for myself, now I exist at the behest of other people. I am so much weaker than I used to be.

I miss my best friend, the person I once was and all the nights I spent laughing among loved ones. I was looking at pictures from 22/23 to upload in my “about” page and all of them from that era of my life. Before it all came crumbling down. Back when I used to exist, when I used to still take pictures of myself, when I used to want to get out of bed. I hate myself. -- 4 Hours of Cyberpunk later-- I feel good! I know you just read a very depressive breakdown, but I feel good. It was nice to just relax. I fiiinaaally have the game down, it is GTA + Fallout 4. I'm having a really good time. I have also realized how fun romancing in video games is. (Bro is lonely asl) Ahem- I just came across Panam and it feels like I'm meeting Shadowheart from BG3 again. No I will NOT explain, anyway. I just spent the last hour downloading mods bc Panam is straight asf and I like to play female characters. Video Games allow me to live out any trans ideas I may have trapped inside my mind. I usually make a darker skinned asian girl with a wolfcut named Dylilah or Dyl. Okay, well I have clearly divulged far too much information. Goodnight! Sweetdreams, Life will always only get better. I love you! - Dyl