June 2nd, 2025 - I guess I'm homophobic

Er- Just so we're all clear, the title is in reference to my last post's title. I'm saying I hate myself. --- Dude. I had a dinky lil paint scrub on my car, and I couldn't get it off. I decided to paint over it while I was fixing the big scratch at the bottom of my car. What a mistake. It didnt blend properly and it looks more matte than gloss and- and- and- wahhhhhh It was such a small scuff too, but I didn't have tape yesterday when I was painting so it got everywhere and made a big mess, so I tried to fix it today and made it bigger, and now I just have a square of shame on my car. :c On a brighter note I also put my decals up! Yippie, it only took 4 hours and a security guard to check on me to complete. I have mixed feelings, on the one hand I like ish that makes my car unique fuck ups and all. On the other hand I WANT IT TO LOOK BEAUTIFUL AND THAT SHAMEFUL AHH SQUARE AINT IT CHIEF RAGHHHHH!! --- They offered me a promotion today. Without hesitation I said no. They told me to rethink my decision and get back to them by the end of the week. Ugh! I- You should have seen them, my boss and her boss, they were so taken aback, so dumb founded completely blind sided when I said no. Like they were expecting me to jump at the opportunity. Listen, I'm grateful that people notice the... more than mediocre work I put in, but just a few months back I wanted to quit. Even looking forward my future isn't here. It feels that with more and more they give me, the more they depend on me, the harder it is to leave. In theory I'm already doing the promotion job for free, I would just need to consult my boss a lil more to make sure I know everything there is to know. (Not a fan, I pride myself on being completely clueless.) It would also shift the power dynamic in the kitchen. Beside our boss, it's a pretty flat team structure. My promotion would make me everyone's, not my boss', boss. I don't want that to change the relationships I've spent years to develop. I'm also younger than most of the people I'd be commanding. Yuck. Then it feels like nepotism too. I have no spine, I hold no space for leadership. I- this is a mistake on their part, my work is subpar at best. I HAVE BEEN SLACKING FOR WEEKS-! That isn't hyperbole. I just said it recently too, I knew mark was leaving so I let him do most of the work. Asshole-ish? Yes, but I knew I'd pick up the slack as soon as he left, and I did. Today went well, that doesn't mean I should lead. Again, no spine. I avoid confrontation like the plague. The pro's are that I'd get the smallest pay bump. I'd recieve a better title to put on my resume. I really truly do not want this. It is terrifying to suceed, I am so content being a bottom feeder forever. I don't deserve niceities or happiness or kindness, compassion, human decency. I am undeserving of love. I cannot fathom how I got here. I hate that fucking square of shame on my car dude, it's uggy asl. Wahhhh. I'll probably end up taking it. The look on my aunt's face when I said no kinda broke my heart. I feel like I let her down, I hope that isn't the case. I just think she chose wrong. I think my coworker is the better choice, I'd follow her lead even if it killed me. I dunno- Roy (from work) said I should do it, if I'm already doing the job for free I might as well get paid, and if I ever left it'd look better on my ressie. Shit man- I need to let it ruminate. --- I felt pretty good leaving the gym today. I thought I looked hot asl. I've been pretty heavy recently and that has made me not want to go to the gym, but I looked the way I did in 2023 which was nice. I think I'm gonna try to lose some weight before yeti. I'm also super excited for Yeti, I was in a slump for a few weeks but I think seeing Raj broke me out. --- Life is ~. All up and down and shii. Car is good, car is dogshit. Work is aight, work is pure stress. I miss my hobbies, I miss my friends, I miss existing. Haven't picked up the guitar in months, I haven't made any cosplays in a year, no rockclimbing. Only reading, collecting, gaming and D&D. Grrrr Happy Pride, I hope to kiss lots of ppl - Dyl --- Girl what the fuck was that Doctor Who Finale? I really like Ncuti Gatwa and Varada Sethu, I think their chemistry was good, I thought they were fun, I think my biggest gripe for this whole era are the stories. I love the characters but the adventures they're going on are just okay, and the finale's are just expo dump CGI messes. I'm pretty bummed Ncuti is gone, I think he was a good doctor. It was nice to see Jodie, I think she suffers from the exact same problem. Though, her Tardis was also a little overcrowded and she never felt like she knew what was going on. 13, not Jodie. But man, that cliff hanger? Wild Asl. All in all, I loved Ncuti Gatwa as 15. Looking back I think both seasons were really solid, they had some fun episodes and ideas, I loved all the characters, though UNIT was a bit too crowded. I think the only downfall is the finale's they're pretty bogus. I will look back on this era fondly. (Bro they had a brown baddie milf as a companion it's peak fiction) Goodbye Doctor, Hello Doctor. --- IM ACTUALLY SO BUMMED, I LOVE NCUTI GATWA :,(