July 30th, 2025 - I be letting the world down me thinks

You flooded my dreams. Every second, you were on screen. It wasn’t a flashback or a memory. Entirely new content. You were so kind, so understanding and yet you were still you. But it was a version of you I built off my memories. I think it was the version of you I wanted to talk to. Your humour was stripped away, your sarcasm stayed. The pettiness gone, yet your annoyed state remained. I was forgiven, I was welcomed back. This amalgamation of all my memories told me to unblock you, that we should be friends again. Siren song. I open those doors and I’d be slitting my own wrists.

—-

The workday was easy; relatively. I’m driving while fighting tears in my eyes. I don’t understand. Is this just a byproduct of the time? Is my period coming as it always does once a year? I feel so hollow. I just came from Gotham. I couldn’t afford shit, I picked up 3 recent issues and even those felt mahal. I wanted to get back issues but I can’t find anything in that store man. So I come from Gotham, and I’m driving home and the only thing in my mind is that I’m alone. I have my favourite artists singing about love and life and I do not care. I need Chloe Moriondo to scream werewolf into my ears. This stupid down isn’t where I’m supposed to be. So I’ll burn it down if you’ll say you’ll get close to me and lie with my bones.

God I wish I existed. I shouldn’t’ve turned down Raj, we could’ve hung out. I need to text anyone man, I wanna live. Please. Please I want to live. A decade of passive suicidal ideation, is nothing compared to the year I’ve spent wanting to live. I spent to long trying to die that I don’t know how to live anymore. Was I like this the last few years? I thought it was every other year. 26 feels more fatal than 25. I feel like Tennant. “I don’t want to go.”

I don’t know what to do. I don’t- do I have hobbies or interests? What is my sense of humour? I feel like I’m just a walking playlist that can cook and collects shit. I don’t know that I exist beyond that. Maybe I read.

I’m going to go steal some apples and buy ice cream in hopes that, that cures me.

—

OWIE!!!! My ankle. Ever since I cut that bish shaving it has been taking its revenge on me. Every step, a reminder I am incomplete. The missing skin has never been so missed. That protective layer stopping the harsh wilds from reaching my squishy innards.

The walk back to the car hurt. The silent, unprotected drive home hurt. And an embarrassing secret of my cure, the endless scroll. A TikTok of two people being friends, a smile on my face and my mood shifted.

I got into the house, put away my groceries and ate my very paid for Asian pears. I warmed up my cup noodles and turned on Peacemaker. I watched an episode before shifting to ASMR and working on Drez’s resume. That bitch didn’t need a tweak it needed a rewrite.

Which would’ve happened quicker but I got a phone call. OOoOoOOoOooo, whom should call me but my best friend? Rajs name popped up on my phone, I answered it without thought. Maybe I should’ve. THE BOY ASKED ME- well- he led into it. He isn’t so cruel as to not ease me into it. He asked how I’ve been, he detailed his own recent happenings, he joked and jested about what kind of man I am in regards to someone’s Instagram story.

And then he asked me, begged me, pleaded for me to go to his gym and find out a baddies Instagram. As if he forgot who he asked. I would’ve preferred the call to help him bury a body. We were on that phone call for an hour. Neither of us budged. Only when we both fell silent for too long did the call end.

I disappointed him, he asks for so little, wants so little. But this was too much. I couldn’t. My apologies a thousand times over, anything but this. Anything but this. I won’t text him. I should. I won’t. Why? I don’t know, it isn’t in me to. I want to. I want to. I miss him, he gave me an opening and I turned my head.

I finished Drez’s resume. The guilt ate at me, though with every bite it hurt a little less. I asked Ry to be one of the references, I asked my mother as well but she was less than happy about it. Ry is yet to respond.

I have to do my Fortnite daily’s. I hope I text Rajvir.