July 28th, 2025 - I need to stop time

I got to work on time for once. I slept at 11:30 so I’m surprised my brain actually wanted to get up before 6:30. The day passed easily, fine. Gourmet pizza type shit. We didn’t break, I was eating my pizza as we cleaned. Tomorrow is parm and ice cream, we have to get agency to help so we’ll see how that goes.

I hit the gym for the first time in forever, I was the first one in last one out. I don’t feel any stronger. I drank my protein and my creatine. I don’t feel any stronger.

—-

I think I wasted 24, even 25. God, I have 4 more years of this please let them be good. I was a bum for those first couple of years but I was happy. And 22, 23 were literally what I consider my peak. I keep crying. I don’t want another birthday without them. I love my mother but I don’t know why she went directly against my wishes last year. I appreciate what she did, the sentiment was nice but- it was- I love my family but it was the wrong people. I needed to see my friends, I needed to see the people I chose to be in my life, not those forced to love me.

I cried at the gym thinking about them, I cried on the way home thinking about them. Please fuck please stop time or reverse it or- please this can’t be life please.

I miss writing music. I haven’t picked up the pen in forever, I hope I didn’t give up on my dreams accidentally. You know when you’re playing a game and you soft lock your way out of something because you chose some other option? Is that- I mean it can’t be life because I could just quit my job and start going to school for music production tomorrow but like- I won’t. Will I ever write again?

I miss going to comic book stores. It used to be, I’m already out with friends, “what should we do?” “Wanna go to Gotham.” Done. Now I have to go alone, I don’t want that.

I’m growing out of the age for all the good songs. Does that make sense? Like, people write music about certain ages, Dizzy - Waterparks is 24, 26 - Paramore is (you’ll never guess) 26, and adulting - Beach Bunny is 22/23. What the hell is after 26? Nothing bro, people weren’t supposed to live that long.

God I’ll be the age my mom had me at. What the hell have I done? WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE. I CANT SEE THE SCREEN AS I TYPE THE TEARS IN MY EHES, THERES A TIGHTNESS JN MY CHEST AND MY BREATHING IRREGULATES. WHAT HAVE I DONE. List me all my achievements actually worth a damn and show me a blank page. Do you grow out of dreams? Is that a thing, do you hit an age where you haven’t made it and you just- stop? Like, what the fuck. My cheeks are wet. My eyes won’t stop. I’m going to combust. I can’t scream- that’d be cruel to the people around me. I used to not care, I used to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Now I- now I nothing. Now nothing. Nothing.

HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE MFs OUTSIDE THE HOUSE JUST- THEYRE ALIVE THEY FUCKING EXIST AND THEYRE ENJOYING SHIT HOW HOW THE- HOW. WAS I CURSED TO HATE?

I think these wounds never heal. The ones inside my brain. That shit is bruised and damaged and I don’t think they ever heal. I hate this goddamn birthday shit, it’s not enough we got New Years? I don’t need the 2nd reminder that nothing changes. Nothing happens. Nothing. Fuck man. Nothing. I don’t exist, I’m not real. Fuck. --- Is it wrong that I missed this? That painful tightening in my chest? Like my heart is pulling everything around it closer; trying, desperately trying to blanket itself from the world. That undending stream of tears that colours my cheeks, that darkens my shirt. The sadness, the emptiness? I love it. Obviously I wanna be happy blahblahblah, but- there is no feeling like that empty hollow undending sadness that eats away at me. A parasite I was born with, my twin that never seperated. I feel lucid when it's around, like everything else is on rails. But alone, only with sadness to I feel real. How bizarre. Erm, I did my dailys. Its like 9pm. I wanna go to bed but I know I wont sleep. I wanna read, but I have no interest in Blue sisters rn. What to do, what to do.