July 14th, 2025 - I’m worth so much more than my weight in gold

I waited for sleep to take me yesterday but it teased me. It’s warm breath dancing just before me. I wanted it to envelop me completely, but it always stayed just far enough to leave me wanting. I lurched forward for it to pull back. I waited, pleaded and begged. Only when I had given up hope, bliss.

It was too late. Six hours is not enough to live. I’m a zombie. It’d be best if I went to bed early tonight, I miss having a brain. I had to mix my morning water with an energy drink just for hope that I can maintain motor function.

I haven’t showered in five days and it’s not hard to tell. The back of my head is itchy, I think there’s a smell. My teeth feel weird in my mouth. My holes still have some sock left.

——

I’m listening to Kevin Abstracts Text Me. Man fuck you. Planning this blue mountain trip is going to kill me, I don’t use Instagram enough to justify it. But I’ll never see my friends if I don’t push, but that’s not who I am. I’m supposed to pull up to the function with a vibe not host. I don’t even know why you left. You must have really hated me man. I haven’t gone a day without a memory of us passing through my mind. I’m sure you’ve purged me from yours. I pray for power purpose and peace, happiness fo you. And I hope you fucking die. :/

It’s so early, I’m finna cry man. I’m pouting I can feel it. Involuntary. You illicit emotion in me I wish weren’t possible.

I need to text people back. That’s not pertinent to you, it’s just a fact of life. I just don’t know how to do that anymore. You thought I was bad when you were around? Try 2 years without you. The air in my lungs feels wrong when you’re not around. The sky is a twisted colour and my head always hurts.

I bounce between “Forgiving” - Sir Chloe and “Red Light” - Kevin Abstract, by the minute.

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Sometimes I dislike when I get nice gifts for people. I have the need in me to always outdo myself lest I feel like I’ve disappointed them. In reality I’m sure they don’t mind. To be thought of alone is a gift in and of itself. I’m looking at the crocheted lavender that I gave Tita G. I’m thinking about Mother’s Day, already I’m trying to think about how to outdo myself.

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A thousand hearts to love me and a single dagger in my back, you’ll never believe what I focus on more. What a strange feeling to be loved, to be missed, to be wanted. Georgia wants to hang out, I think she missed not coming to B.C, she was missed there too. I was constantly wishing she and Andie were with us. I was trying to plan Blue Mountain, Dave said he missed me I almost cried. I am crying. I miss them so much. I know the onus is on me, I just wish it was easier.

But I’m annoying myself right now. A thousand hearts to love me and I focus on the dagger. That’s not fair to the people I love. I gotta- I need to hang out with them. Need to plan, I am a social creature, I need to live.

——

People love me, I hold value. A fact difficult to accept and too easy to forget.

——

I did gym! Now I’m sleepy. Watching YouTube essays and doing laundry. I ended the night trying to work on my vacation pictures but I don’t have a proper editing program. I think I used to have photoshop on one of my old laptops. I should look for it. I still need to work on my Chloe post.

I went to bed later than I should’ve, though I’m not sure how much it mattered considering I couldn’t sleep anyway. I love my siblings (sometimes) but they were keeping me awake, I had to pop a NyQuil, it only made me more tired; not actually help me sleep. I woke up around 2. I tossed, turned, got out of bed and slept in the washroom. Something about the cold floor put me right out.

I woke up later to return to my bed.