December 2nd - 4th, 2025 - I have no strings on me

// December 2nd, 2025 //

I am tired beyond exhaustion, we unlocking new debuffs with this one!!

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I am entirely bereft of our large family gatherings. With the holidays rapidly approaching I am reminded of how as the families have grown individually, we as a family have diminished. I can remember the days where 30/40 people would be considered small. Yet now I think we’d be lucky to hit 20. Maybe I’m naive in saying this. Perhaps the Carpio side of the Tumbokons is entirely together but the Segovia’s have to subsidize their numbers with the Taay’s or the Milczareks. I dunno. I think I just miss being a kid and having everything be easy. Where my greatest worry was going to bed on time. Funny to think I’m still facing that problem, it just isn’t my largest concern.

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(Written on December 11th, 2025)

Yahoo!! Yippie!! Georgia hath given me a way out!! She said I just need to proof read her assignment instead of doing it… WHY AM I CELEBRATING THATS WHAT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO!!!! GAH!

Anyway, I’m glad she tells me this after I bit the bullet and stayed up late to start her project. A wasted effort…

More wasted effort, my time in the gym. I just don’t have it in me to try. I have no motivation. The spark left my body, going to the gym now is running through the motions.

I took Drizzy to the thrift store after work and gym, he picked up a bunch of stuff and I just grabbed some gifts and a pair of sunglasses that fit over my glasses. It was fun actually.

Getting home I read the new CSM. OH MY GOD!!! Spoilers, DENJI AND POCHITA FUZED INTO ONE FORM. And this mf beat Yoru in a game of rock paper scissors she wasn’t trying to play. Fujimotor go brrrr.

I loaded up some YouTube videos I can’t even recall and worked on my instagram posts, finishing up my Japan trip.

// December 3rd, 2025 //

(Written on December 11th, 2025)

Today was clearing out my phones storage. I had way too many pictures and videos. Japan and the Chloe/ Parx concert flooded my inventory. I got my Japan trip uploaded and deleted the excess off my phone, I compiled all the Chloe parts of the concert.

With time to spare I banged out Stranger Things S5 part 1. Shrug Yea it was good. Will getting his powers finally, it’s annoying how long it took. Also, I hope it’s not just eleven powers… I want his shii to evolve into something else, something different. This man has been infected for a decade can he PLEAAASSEEE be special? He’s just been a damsel in distress for so long, I need him to lock in. Seeing these beloved characters is always a joy…. Holy fuck there’s like a million of these characters. Game of Thrones in this bitch.

// December 4th, 2025 //

(Written on December 12th, 2025)

I told myself I’d do it today, I’d ask out hot sauce. With all the love I’ve been feeling’ myself what could go wrong? The plan wasn’t fool proof but it was there. I told the squad, if I didn’t do it I’d quit… I guess I gotta start looking for a new job. AGHHHHH!!!! I just- I CANNOT DO IT!!! HOW TF DO YOU TALK TO WOMEN?!?

I didn’t even do anything in the gym, I was just there to show face. I did get to meet Navreet though so that was nice. It’s Ally’s friend that Drez is always talking to. I don’t know what it is, that man loves older women with man’s. We stood around yapping until like 7.

(Written on December 4th, 2025)

I wasn’t going to write tonight. The time sits at 1013. The sun put its eyes to rest hours ago, I should be following in its footsteps. In place of that you can read my words.

November / December has been a lot of old wounds coming under a microscope, forcing me to confront what was hidden. Forcing me to heal. It’s like the last vestiges of 2023 die in the year 2025 so that 2026 can be entirely its own. No sins of the past.

Let me elaborate because I’ve said a lot of words without substance so far. In 2023 I surrounded myself with two people and put my everything in them. One platonic, familial, brotherly love, the other was a romantic love. Obviously in November I was forced to confront my old best friend, I was forced to figure out what I feel for him now. Who he is to me. What he is to me. Well in December I get to confront the other part of 2023. I saw a picture of a girl on Pinterest and thought she was gorgeous. As I looked at other pictures I realized that the girl looked a little like someone I used to like, someone from 2023. The caption said “Deer Pretty” it was the eyes. Big pretty brown eyes, gorgeous colour and shape. I wanted to reaffirm my thoughts. I wanted to see if I was crazy. I turned to instagram to look at a picture of the person from 2023. I typed the name into the search bar, tapped on the name and-!

I’m not following them…

I didn’t do that. I know I didn’t, I hate closure, I curse its name in every breath. She’s happy. I can’t ask for anything beyond that, and the fact that I still think about her says something sorry about me. I’m okay with that, I have flaws. I just wanted to- she’s gorgeous. I wish them the best (and hope they break up. WHO SAID THAT??!? I DO NOT CLAIM THAT OR WISH THAT??? {Unless? [jk]}). At least I’m not blocked. Fuh. It was just a bit of a gut punch.

In 3 weeks I am forced to open one book I thought I finished, I am forced to retcon the ending. The other book is forcefully closed, I left the final chapter on a cliff hanger. I dunno. It’s probably good that 2023 is dying. It’s not a bad death either. The plot threads are being tied up. I think it’s just scary to say a final goodbye to such a… beautifully tragic, gorgeously messy, fantastical part of my life. I compare everything to 23 me, but 26 me is going to put him to shame. I promise, God I promise.

Anyway- I had to change the song of the day from No One Noticed by the Marias to Catch A Stray by Leon Thomas.

I deadass let a couple tears cloud my eyes. It’s okay, I’m okay. Co-Star warned me. It told me two heartbreaks were coming for me. That’s 1. It also said I’m in a healing era. Fuh. I hate to believe in fate. But the stars might be on to something.

I’m sorry, I wanna let it go. I really really do, but I put too much into her, and that’s not fair to her I know. I just- I romanticized it sooooo much. And now it’s over over over and it makes me sad. She was so fucking pretty, and I think I could’ve had a shot- and-! I really need to let it go. I’m letting a couple more tears fall. Goodnight. I need to put my brain to rest.

I love you! You’re loved!