December 23rd, 2025 - Questions Without Answers

I think I’m over the worst of this cold. Whatever chokehold it had on me is releasing ever more with each passing day. Its vice grip loosens and I’m able to breathe again. How unfortunate that it’s all daggers of ice in my lungs. Icicles make my body they’re home and I am reminded of the cold, I am reminded of the month we reside in. December. At the beginning of the month I purchased a subscription to go climbing, I’ve only been the one. This bitter bitch of a flu has robbed me of my days. I avoided existence like the plague. What dastardly luck.

This entire month flew past me, I lost 2 weeks to the cold. My entire mind wanted to combust, my body refused to act on my whims. I was a prisoner in my own life.

Someone was… awful at work today. Racism and homophobia, the works and unfortunately the usual. The homophobia had me wanting to retort and I was faced with a question about my identity.

Am I still pan? Still gender fluid? I’ve certainly lost a touch of femininity in my years. I don’t present as gay as I used to… Have I become more straight? Where did the old version of myself go? Did he die with my dreams? What was the turning point, and was there one at all? It’s entirely possible that this change was incredibly gradual. Plenty of questions and not an ounce of answers. I dunno. I simply don’t know myself in this regard. I’m definitely more comfortable in being masculine than I used to be. I still believe that I could present feminine if my waist was skinny enough, I certainly think I could still fall for a man (ugh!) if the right one came by. But- I don’t know myself.