August 22nd, 2025 - What Joy to be alive

The process of healing is slow, arduous and brutally, excruciatingly painful. At times it feels like your entire mind, body and soul are against you; as if something inside you doesn’t want to be fixed. You’ll never be the same either. The person who starts the journey is not the one whom ends it. 23 and 26 are two entirely different men/women/people, and I couldn’t be more proud of either of them or anyone in between. I only lament that it took so long.

It was me (Barry). I was the one who sabotaged my life. It was only after it all that I could see the forest for the trees. The damage I wrought, my own calamity. I was no different from the man I blamed. Where he cut me off at the hip, severed me completely and without mercy; wasn’t that what I did to everyone else? And then had the audacity to say people took sides, to say that they favoured him over me. I don’t blame me, my feelings will always be valid. It’s just a shame to look back and see what I did.

To my friends, I’m sorry. I love you so much and in my direst moment I pushed you all away so I could cry. When I needed you the most I refused to let you get close. I feared the spikes on my heart would hurt you too but that’s what you’re for. A burden shared is half a burden. Thank you for being here for me now. It means the world and so much more. I’m- and there isn’t a word of a lie as a write this- I’m so overcome with joy that I am weeping. I couldn’t even control my own actions. I just roared in excitement. I have to go to work despite my desire to write. I’ll talk to you soon.

——

Aghhhhh, I just time travelled 13 hours forward. I have not had time to write or think. More than today, I feel this whole week has been packed. Though that tends to happen when you’re turning your life around. I just remembered MyChem is in Toronto rn. I’m- damn, I’m a little bummed. I could be throwing my back out to MCR. The very music that changed my entire brain chemistry. I need to see it live. One day, please go on tour again. Fuck. That’s really depressing.

On a less depressing note, today was good. After work I was able to plan out my Blue Mountain Menu a little more. I got to Foch expecting to wait for Tito Arni for 30 minutes to an hour. I was there at 4 he was there at 7. It’s fine, I got my recap done and loaded my car with snacks for blue mountain.

—

I wish I was able to write earlier. I’m in a completely different headspace than this morning. I really wanted to write more about how happy I am that I’ve fixed this hole in my heart. I was gonna write one more line about you but- I don’t think I want to. Maybe these feelings will continue to change but your chapter has run so long. Maybe it’s good to put down the pen and let the pages breathe.

—-

Wahhhh My Chemical Romance. RAGHHHH I just know there’s a Sri Lankan / Filipina baddie from Australia at the venue. Wife! Wife wait for me. Please. Wife!

—-

Since Wednesday I truly haven’t had a lot of time to breathe. While I’m indescribably tired, it’s nice to be doing things. And I wish I could be doing things at full brain power, but I’ll never genuinely complain about living.

After a pretty good session I got on disc with my friends to help work through some blue mountain stuff. I fell asleep after 3.