August 17th, 2025 - Im going to pizza kill myself

Give me the gun and I’ll do it myself. I would love to see them to say that 12 line. “Did you think betraying me would make a difference?” But I- I think “a year late and a dollar short” is the new motive. Alexa play Sir Chloe’s Forgiving.

I spent the morning- I used it all up. Afternoon I put away my clothes and found I possess too many, I didn’t know you could be over encumbered even at home and yet. I wanted to watch Naruto but this filler arc is- it’s Garbo. I skipped it and got back to the plot. AND I LOVE FILLER, but this ish was fucking boring vro. Naruto just learned about Jirayahs death, I weep.

I drove to Streetsville, gonna see if this guy has what I need. The man who runs Image is so kind and so sweet, his voice is a whisper he’s so soft spoken but he really seems to care. I actually think that if most if not all comic book shop owners. Comic books truly create a community and it’s so nice to see it cultivate into people who care. Like, the guy started asking me about my favourite Nightwing runs, my thoughts on the new Superman. It was just good, the last time I had that was Carlos asking Ned about Black Panther. He asked why I was interested in picking it up and I got to tell him how I own everything before and after, this (and Lost Year) is the only run I don’t physically possess. How I plan to bind the thing myself If DC won’t do it for me. It was nice.

I gave in and bought Ginos. I was trying to avoid buying food, especially when I don’t have the money for it and I took food out to cook at home but. Fuck man, I love pizza.

Oh. I’m eating my pizza in the car on my way home and I just realized what happened. Why a simple interaction raised my dopamine so high. I miss my friends. I miss talking to people about my passions, I miss arguing with people who are just as or more passionate about these topics as I am. Roy, Ned, L and Dennis. The shit we’d get into talking about recent runs, creative decisions we liked ones we’d change if we had the chance. I miss my community. The one I saw on their stories this morning. I am trapped in a limbo of my own design. Here, the grass doesn’t grow, the seasons do not change. I can see the outside world, I can see the men and women that I love, I can see them enjoying themselves; and living the life that I used to have. I miss them. I miss it. I miss the person- No I don’t miss the person I used to be, but I miss the position he was in. I am better than I ever was. I just wish that I had people to share it with. My throne and crown mean nothing to an empty kingdom.

I’m growing sinister. I hate-! I’m growing to hate it all. I want to burn the world down, if I’m going to be miserable then we’re all going to be miserable. And in the back of my mind I scream against my self, how I have to stay away to keep the peace. Fuck him, kill him, that version of myself. I want war. Give me the gun and I’ll do it myself, give me the dagger and I’ll lather my hands in red. I need to bite into flesh, I need to tear limbs from torsos, I need to cave a skull in until it’s nothing more than fragments of white, until it’s little pink pieces of grey matter upon my fists; beneath my boot.

—-

Errrmmmm- what the freak?? Dude chill tf out. I’m tryna write Klarence’s letter and I keep having to take breaks. I’ve been working on it for three hours now. it only took maybe 20 minutes to type, but my pen is so slow. My hand hurts. I still have Nenes to write too. At least I can send hers when it’s done. I have to buy international stamps for Klarence’s.

I know I overuse and always say it metaphorically, but I genuinely just looked in the mirror and didn’t know who I was looking at it. I saw myself and went “when did I grow a beard?” I shaved before my birthday, in only 11 days it’s come back completely? I hope I like myself again soon. That was a cool feeling.

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